


To Try

by Heather_Chandlers_Biotch



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Blood, Crying, F/F, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-29 01:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21401539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heather_Chandlers_Biotch/pseuds/Heather_Chandlers_Biotch
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM MY LOVELY PEOPLEMissy doesnt feel good enough for The Doctor or Yasmin. After getting shouted at by The Doctor for a misunderstanding, she falls into a dark place.Also everyone is ooc oof sorry
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Missy, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan/Missy, Yasmin Khan/Missy
Kudos: 44





	To Try

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
i wrote this instead of doing something far more destructive, so naturally trigger warning. 
> 
> This is my first time writing Doctor Who and everyone is horribly OOC, sorry
> 
> All the sciency stuff is a load of shit, I'm 15 and made stuff up based on my very limited knowledge of physics (wtf is a gamma rifle? I hear you ask. I dont bloody know)

"Not again Missy! Why do you never learn!?" The Doctor stormed through the TARDIS doors, Missy rushing behind in an effort to keep up. Ryan, Yaz and Graham all looked up, startled, at the Doctor's outburst.

"Doctor I-" Missy looked desperate and Yaz felt her stomach sink when she realised how terrified she looked.

"No! I'm sick of this! You can't keep pretending to get better just to kill someone as soon as I turn my back!" Yaz didn't know if The Doctor couldn't see how much she was hurting Missy, or if she just didn't care. Her breath hitched in her throat thinking about the latter.

"No! You don't und-" Missy was pleading with her at this stage. Tears were pricking at her eyes and she furiously blinked them away in an attempt to come across as calm. It wasn't working in her favour. Her face was pale and strained and she looked like she was going to be sick. Yaz felt her stomach knot as she had to restrain herself from running over to comfort her. Ryan shot her a worried glance.

"Just save it, ok?" The Doctor's voice was laced with venom. "I don't want to hear whatever stupid excuse you have this time!"

A tear rolled down Missy's cheek and she wiped it away with the back of her hand, leaving a large black line where her mascara had run. She sniffed and walked quickly down the corridor, away from the control room. After a few seconds Yaz heard her footsteps speed up to a running pace. When the noise became too distant for her to hear she turned to face The Doctor. Before she got a chance to say anything, Graham started speaking.

"What was that all about Doc?" He seemed wary. He still had never quite warmed up to Missy, preferring to exercise caution when she was around, but he knew that The Doctor and Yaz were both very much trusting of her and he did admit that she seemed to be making great progress.

Yaz looked at the Doctor expectantly, waiting for whatever answer she had to give that could possibly justify that.

The Doctor sighed. "Well, I took Missy out to that planet, as you all know..." They had arrived on a planet a few hours ago. Missy had performed her initial checks as she insisted on doing, with the Doctor complaining the entire time that she was 'ruining the fun', only to find that the planet's atmosphere contained high levels of cyanogen chloride, meaning that the human members of 'the fam' had to stay behind in the TARDIS while the Time Ladies went out to investigate the distress call The Doctor had received. "Well, everything went well, small Mixolotel threat, nothing to worry about. Anyway, we had taken care of everything and were making our way back to the TARDIS when a lovely Saniqeld man came up to us, great species, they make the best curry using these little berries called inoms. So he came up to us, thanked us for saving the planet, and we turned around to walk away when Missy looked back and just shot him, for no reason! I thought she had been making progress, I really did. But what on Gallifrey do I know? I cant believe her!"

Yaz tensed. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She knew some of Missy's past, enough to know that this wouldn't have been out of the ordinary a few hundred years ago, but she was different now, wasn't she? Yaz looked to the Doctor, confused about how to react, but all she saw was a face red with anger aggressively flicking with the switches in on the TARDIS console.

Looks like she was going to have to find Missy to hear both sides of the story.

...

Missy sprinted down the corridor as fast as her legs could carry her. Her eyes were burning with tears and she choked back a sob- not here, not yet- and continued to run until she felt satisfied that she was far enough away from the Doctor.

She collapsed to the ground, body heaving with sobs. Her chest was tight and she couldn't breathe. She tried desperately for a few minutes to suck in a breath, but to no avail.

The blade that she carried with her burned a hole in her pocket. She felt it, weighing down on her coat pocket, so, so tempting. No Missy, you can't keep doing this, what if The Doctor or Yaz find out? They'll be heartbroken. You cant hurt them like that! Oh, stop being so naïve, they don't care about you, didn't you just hear the Doctor? She's sick of you, Missy. They. Don't. Care.

That fully broke her. She let out a sob, so loud she was scared the others would hear, and pulled the blade from her pocket, not even hesitating before using it to slice through her skin. She let out a sigh of relief, she could finally breathe. It felt good. One cut turned into two, four, eight, sixteen, and suddenly there we're too many for her to count.

She dropped the blade and surveyed the damage. Her breath hitched- there was blood everywhere. It suddenly dawned on her how deep the cuts had been and she was suddenly filled with terror.

"YAZ!"

...

Yaz had left the console room and had begun to search for Missy. She followed the direction of the footsteps that she had heard a few minutes ago, but she had no idea where Missy could be. She had checked the library, swimming pool, everywhere she could think of. Once she saw that there was no sign of Missy in the music room a sense of urgency began to set in. Missy always went to the music room when she was sad or stressed, why wasn't she there now?

The TARDIS seemed to be worried, making distressed noises whenever she turned in the wrong direction. While she admitted it was helpful to know the general direction she was going, the machine was really not helping with her worry.

She was just about to check another room when she heard a small noise further down the hall. It was hard to tell from her distance, but it sounded like a sob. Her eyes widened.

"Missy? Missy!"

There was no response.

Yaz continued on down the corridor at a faster than normal pace, checking every room along the way. Still no sign of Missy. 

That's when she heard it.

"YAZ!"

...

The door burst open. Yaz froze at the sight before her. Missy continued to sob.

"Yaz! Please, I don't want to die! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"

Yaz burst into tears. 

"Missy! Oh God Missy, what have you done? DOCTOR!"

"No! Please Yaz, she hates me, please! I don't want to die!"

Yaz's heart broke even more at that. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She wanted to reassure Missy, to tell her that The Doctor loved her, just like Yaz did, but now really wasn't the time. If Yaz didn't act fast, Missy could die.

"Ok, ok, shhh it's ok. I'm gonna get you cleaned up, ok?"

Missy sniffled in response, which Yaz took as a yes. She approached her carefully, taking care not to scare her. She tried to lift Missy, but accidentally brushed her hand against Missy's arm, prompting her to let out a bloodcurdling scream. Yaz let out a sob.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry. Ok, I'm going to lift you, can you please move your arm for me?"

Missy obliged, letting out a small gasp as she stretched her damaged skin.

"Thank you so much, you're doing so good. Ok, three, two, one..."

Yaz placed her arms under Missy's knees and back and hoisted her into the air. She quickly maneuvered her into the most comfortable position and promptly carried her to the nearest bathroom, which the TARDIS had helpfully moved right beside them.

"Ok Missy, I'm gonna need ya to let go of your arms so I can see them... great, thank you so much love. Ok this is going to hurt, I'm so, so sorry, but you're going to have to let me do it"

Yaz had pressed a towel to each of Missy's arms to stop the blood flow and was now preparing to clean the cuts with antiseptic. She carefully lifted the towel that was pressed around Missy's right arm. Missy looked away, and honestly Yaz wished she could do the same. She slowly lowered the paper towel down to meet Missy's arm and the second it did the Time Lord cried out in pain. It hurt Yaz more than she could bear to see Missy like this, but she knew she had to keep strong for Missy. However, that didn't stop tears from pricking the corners of Yaz's eyes every time Missy made any noise to indicate her pain.

"Shh, shh, it's ok, you're doing amazing, I love you so much"

Yaz began to bandage up Missy's arm and Missy finally turned to look at her. Tear stains covered her face and her brilliant blue irises were contrasted by her now red, bloodshot eyes. She seemed to have no tears left to cry, but whimpered when she caught sight of her arm. Yaz finished the bandage and moved on to her left arm, whispering reassurances the whole time.

When she finally finished she moved in to hug Missy, careful not to hurt her. Before she knew what was happening she let out a small sob, before breaking away from the hug and immediately apologizing to Missy.

"What for?" Missy asked, confused.

"I should be the one comforting you right now, I need to hold it together."

"You don't need to comfort me, I'm sorry for making you sad, I'm so selfish." Missy looked down to her lap, ashamed of herself for hurting Yaz.

"Missy, please don't talk like that, don't make this about me. Please just let me help you."

Impossibly, Missy felt her eyes well up with tears again.

"Just, please tell me Missy, why did you do it?"

The Time Lord felt her breath stick in her throat. It was all flooding back to her now, why she did it, and it hurt just as much as it did the first time. She sighed and forced herself to speak.

"Well, I... um... I guess... I... uh..."

She took a deep breath, chastising herself for being so childish. Just spit it out.

"Iknowyouandthethedoctordontlovemeanymoreandiunderstandireallydoidontknowwhyyoueverdidinthefirstplacebutitjusthurtsandiwishyoudidbutyoudontandicantchangethatanditsnotyourfaultandimsorry!" And with that Missy was in hysterics again, sobbing and hyperventilating.

"Oh my god Missy where did this come from? Of course we still love you, The Doctor and I both do. Missy please, I love you so much, please don't cry. I promise, I love you so, so much."

Yaz kept reassuring Missy until her sobs died down into quiet sniffles.

"Hey, come on, let's go to the bedroom, yeah? It's more comfortable. Then we can talk more, ok? We really need to work through this, love. Can you walk or do you want help?"

"No, no, I'm fine." Missy slowly edged herself off the edge of the counter where she had been sitting and she stood up. She went to let go of the ledge, but her legs buckled underneath her. Yaz was quick to react, catching her and holding her upright.

"Woah, hey, it's ok. Can you put your arm around my shoulder? Hey, don't worry if it hurts too much. Oh, that's great, ok. Just hold on and I'll help."

Yaz led Missy to the bedroom they shared with The Doctor, Yaz's arm around Missy's waist and Missy's arm around Yaz's shoulder. It took a while; Missy was weak on her feet and shaking quite a bit, but Yaz was patient and happy to take things at Missy's pace. Once they arrived Yaz helped Missy in under the covers and then joined her from the other side of the bed.

The two lay there for a while, just enjoying each other's company.

"Hey love, I really think we should talk about this, if you're feeling up to it."

If Missy was being honest, she wasn't up for it. But her constant fear of being left by Yaz won over and she found herself agreeing to talk.

"I was just trying to save her. The man, he... he had a gamma rifle and he was pointing it straight at her. That sort of technology is deadly when used against a Time Lord. Such a concentrated blast of radiation had the potential to mutilate the cells to the point where even regeneration would be futile. I'm not proud of what I did, I hate myself for it actually, but I had to save her! I- I love her! If she died I-" she couldn't even finish her sentence as she burst into a fresh set of tears. "I can't live without her Yaz!"

"Hey, hey, I know, I know, it's ok, i understand completely, I really do. You did good Missy, you're a good person, I know you are. Sometimes the Doctor finds it hard to see the good in killing but you and I both know that nothing else could have been done. I'm proud of you love."

"I just want her to love me! But she doesn't, and I don't know if I can go on without her, I don't know if it's worth it."

"Missy, I promise she loves you. I know she was mad today, but that doesn't mean she hates you love."

"You don't understand, she loves you so much and you love her so much, neither of you love me as much as you love each other. I'm only getting in the way! I feel so guilty and I've tried to take it out on myself but it doesn't work and I don't want to be the reason the two of you can't live the way you want to."

Yaz was completely silent, staring blankly at Missy. She wouldn't make eye contact, instead staring at the bandages on Missy's arms. Suddenly a look of horror washed over her face. 

"You've done this before."

"I'm sorry?"

"You... You've self harmed before. Oh my god. You said you tried to take it out on yourself and there we're old scars on your arms and I didn't even pay attention. Oh God Missy, how long have you thought this, about me and the Doctor?"

"About 18 months..."

Yaz paled at her words. "Missy, we've all been together 18 months. You mean you've been self harming this entire time and neither of us ever noticed?" Yaz looked like she was about to throw up. Missy just nodded and cast her gaze down towards her hands. 

Yaz took in a shaky breath. She sounded as if she was about to cry again. "Missy, I can't speak for the Doctor, but I know that the love I have for you is so strong it physically hurts. Seeing you like this makes my chest tight and makes me wish that our roles were reversed. I swear, I would give my life for you, for either of you. Please Missy, you have to believe me."

For the first time in what felt like forever, Missy smiled.

...

Missy had fallen asleep about half an hour ago.

Yaz crept out of bed, shutting the bedroom door quietly behind her, and made her way quickly to the console room. There she was met with the Doctor, Ryan and Graham chatting and laughing. She felt sick knowing the Doctor was so happy after having caused Missy so much pain.

"Oh, Yaz you're here, brilliant. There's this planet I wanted to take you all to, they have this festival every 7 years where they go into a cave and light a blue fire and-"

"Shut up!"

Everyone turned to look at Yaz with shock. She wiped the tears from her eyes. 

"You actually don't care, do ya? About Missy? All you care about is your stupid planets with your stupid blue fire and I'm sick of it!"

"Yaz... why are you covered in blood?" She had forgotten. With everything that had happened, with being so worried about Missy, she hadn't stopped to notice that her clothes were covered in Missy's blood. "Did she... Yaz, did Missy do this to ya?"

Yaz felt her blood boil with rage. 

"Graham, Ryan, get out. I need a word with the Doctor. GET OUT!"

The two men ran from the control room, startled. The Doctor looked at Yaz and saw the absolute rage in her eyes.

"Yaz, what's wrong? Have I done something?"

"She nearly died. She nearly DIED because of you. She almost killed herself because you wouldn't let her explain one thing. She SAVED YOUR LIFE and now she thinks you hate her and she nearly killed herself because of it. And then you have the audacity to accuse her of hurting me? Eighteen months. She's been cutting herself for EIGHTEEN MONTHS because she thought she wasn't good enough for us and if I hadn't found her today she would have died believing that!" Yaz couldn't breathe. Missy nearly died. She was partly to blame. How had she not noticed for eighteen months? She had failed Missy for so long. If anything, Missy was to good for her. 

The Doctor stood there, too shocked to do anything beyond try to process all this new information. She noticed Missy run into the room, noticed how she ran straight up to Yaz and wrapped her arms around her, noticed her saying things like "I'm ok" and "it's not your fault"

When the Doctor was finally able to move she stared at Missy, who was now holding Yaz at arms length and taking quietly with her. She met the doctor's eyes and the Doctor noticed how terrified she looked. The Doctor looked at her with a questioning glance. Missy simply nodded.

They had a lot to talk about.

...

"I love you so much"

"I know Doctor. I... I'm really sorry for doubting you- you too Yaz- I dont know, I'm stupid.

The trio were lying in bed, cuddled up together with Missy in the middle and The Doctor and Yaz at either side. There had been a lot of talking to be done, but they had all eventually worked things out.

Yaz frowned. "Love, you're not stupid, please don't say that. Everyone gets paranoid, it's perfectly normal."

"You just need to tell us when you feel bad" The Doctor added "We want to help, honestly. It wont be easy to stop and neither of us will get mad at you if you hurt yourself again, but please try to recover, we'll help you anytime you need it."

"And if you do do it again, please come to one of us so we can help bandage you up properly." The Doctor sqeezed Yaz's hand from across the bed.

"I promise, I'll try."

**Author's Note:**

> Lmao imagine having someone that cared about you


End file.
